I write today to stand proudly with the President of the United States, His Excellency Donald Trump, as he begins using the military to quell the domestic unrest which has shaken our cities and threatens to drag us down into chaos. As Senator Tom Cotton has sagaciously written in the New York Times, “One thing above all else will restore order to our streets: an overwhelming show of force to disperse, detain and ultimately deter lawbreakers.”
Yes, the cities of America are in open insurrection against the federal government and if there is one thing I, a small-government conservative, believe, it is that the federal government should be large, robust, and, as the President put it, dominate the states and cities.
But, I fear, this is not enough. We do not want our armed forces bogged down in street fighting, nor can we risk that there are those among them who might sympathize with the rioters and decline to obey “an illegal order” (whatever that is…If the president does it, it’s not illegal, amirite). Plus, there’s the cost. I mean, money is, of course, no object when it comes to essential functions like riot control, and I’m sure we could use this to further slash those so-called “safety-net” programs that liberals are saying would help improve the situation.
Still, the mobilization of hundreds of thousands of troops is pricey. And it would probably cause economic disruptions in the workforce just as we’re re-opening after our conquest of COVID-19. All of which brings me to the 4,000 or so nuclear weapons, built at great taxpayer expense, just sitting there DOING NOTHING.
I mean, c’mon! These are the most awesomely awesome weapons ever devised and we haven’t even used ONE in over 75 years. What a colossal waste!
So, my initial proposal was that we nuke Minneapolis into glass. But I guess that only works in the desert? Whatever.
The largest nuclear bomb in our arsenal is the 1.2 megaton B-83. Dropping one of those on the center of Minneapolis would create a fireball more than half a mile in diameter, and pretty much kill everything within an 8.5-mile radius of ground zero. Problem solved.
Plus, once other cities see what could happen to them, you just watch them quiet down. And never mind the effect on our enemies. We’d be effectively saying, “Look, we’re willing to do this to ourselves. Do you even want to think about what we’d do to you?”
Now look, I know this seems extreme. We could work through this thing and arrest criminals and try people who commit violence but, as great American Homer Simpson once asked, “Do you want it done fast or do you want it done right?”
I know, some innocent people will die in this. A lot of police officers will perish in the nuclear inferno, and probably one or two innocent civilians, though those certainly seem thinner on the ground these days. I’m not saying there’s not tragedy in this. But you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, ya know?
Think, though, of the example. Nuclear fallout would irradiate a large area, rendering it uninhabitable for decades, maybe millennia! Its crater would stand as a warning to anyone who thinks their rights are more important than public order and the convenience of middle-class and wealthy people.
It would be like the Romans and Carthage. By the end of the Third Punic War, Carthage was largely helpless and disarmed, just like Minneapolis. But visionaries in the Roman Senate saw the threat and dispatched Scipio the Younger and his army to destroy Carthage so it couldn’t rise to challenge Rome again. When it was done the Romans salted the Earth so that nothing would grow there.
Now we have Tom Cotton, like a latter day Cato, standing ready to order other people to do whatever it takes. Stand with me, Tom, and shout to the heavens, “MINNEAPOLIS DELENDA EST!” Let’s make a desert and call it peace, together, as proud Americans.
Because, in the words of the famous General Jack D. Ripper, “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.”
Yes, the cities of America are in open insurrection against the federal government and if there is one thing I, a small-government conservative, believe, it is that the federal government should be large, robust, and, as the President put it, dominate the states and cities.
But, I fear, this is not enough. We do not want our armed forces bogged down in street fighting, nor can we risk that there are those among them who might sympathize with the rioters and decline to obey “an illegal order” (whatever that is…If the president does it, it’s not illegal, amirite). Plus, there’s the cost. I mean, money is, of course, no object when it comes to essential functions like riot control, and I’m sure we could use this to further slash those so-called “safety-net” programs that liberals are saying would help improve the situation.
Still, the mobilization of hundreds of thousands of troops is pricey. And it would probably cause economic disruptions in the workforce just as we’re re-opening after our conquest of COVID-19. All of which brings me to the 4,000 or so nuclear weapons, built at great taxpayer expense, just sitting there DOING NOTHING.
I mean, c’mon! These are the most awesomely awesome weapons ever devised and we haven’t even used ONE in over 75 years. What a colossal waste!
So, my initial proposal was that we nuke Minneapolis into glass. But I guess that only works in the desert? Whatever.
The largest nuclear bomb in our arsenal is the 1.2 megaton B-83. Dropping one of those on the center of Minneapolis would create a fireball more than half a mile in diameter, and pretty much kill everything within an 8.5-mile radius of ground zero. Problem solved.Plus, once other cities see what could happen to them, you just watch them quiet down. And never mind the effect on our enemies. We’d be effectively saying, “Look, we’re willing to do this to ourselves. Do you even want to think about what we’d do to you?”
Now look, I know this seems extreme. We could work through this thing and arrest criminals and try people who commit violence but, as great American Homer Simpson once asked, “Do you want it done fast or do you want it done right?”
I know, some innocent people will die in this. A lot of police officers will perish in the nuclear inferno, and probably one or two innocent civilians, though those certainly seem thinner on the ground these days. I’m not saying there’s not tragedy in this. But you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, ya know?
Think, though, of the example. Nuclear fallout would irradiate a large area, rendering it uninhabitable for decades, maybe millennia! Its crater would stand as a warning to anyone who thinks their rights are more important than public order and the convenience of middle-class and wealthy people.
It would be like the Romans and Carthage. By the end of the Third Punic War, Carthage was largely helpless and disarmed, just like Minneapolis. But visionaries in the Roman Senate saw the threat and dispatched Scipio the Younger and his army to destroy Carthage so it couldn’t rise to challenge Rome again. When it was done the Romans salted the Earth so that nothing would grow there.
Now we have Tom Cotton, like a latter day Cato, standing ready to order other people to do whatever it takes. Stand with me, Tom, and shout to the heavens, “MINNEAPOLIS DELENDA EST!” Let’s make a desert and call it peace, together, as proud Americans.
Because, in the words of the famous General Jack D. Ripper, “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.”
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